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Commercialism Part IV: Pet Rock
By Jerry Flattum - 09/17/2001 - 11:29 AM EDT

Band rules are as follows:

The goal of this band is money. Strictly money. We will do anything and everything to make money. Our philosophy is, "If someone is stupid enough to buy a pet rock--like they did in the 70's--then what the hell, take me to the nearest rock quary."

We have band rules. One major rule is that under no circumstances are we to write anything with any substance or meaning. Anything that smacks of quality will immediately be thrown out and the perpetrator who wrote the tune will be forced to sing "Ooh Baby Baby" 1000 times.

Sex, shock, glamour and inane lyrics are our tools of the trade. If taking my cloths off on stage will result in increased sales, whether I'm butt ugly or not, I'll do it. Same for anyone else in the band. As the leader, if I say strip, I better see those clothes flying.

No one is allowed to eat or drink anything of a healthy nature since healthy product endorsements don't exist. In our Coke commercial, the band will be shown hooked up to intravenous Coca Cola tubes attached to portable Coke machines.

Yes, there will be a "chick" in the band, but she must be blond and if she says anything intelligent she will be immediately forced to have breast implants and the band will decide cupsize. She has one job and that's to bounce and bounce only.

At least two band members must have hair or at least wigs and wear leopard tights if ever the critics and audience say we're getting too soft.

It's true that we are a white band, so, another member must wear gold chains, sunglasses, fold his arms funny and be able to do 360 turnarounds on his back, in case we get a gig in a rough neighborhood. Any new band member with weapons possession charges on his record will have a better chance of getting into the band.

We must be completely phony. Anyone trying to be their real self will also be expunged from the group. When on tour, in the bible belt, we will all carry bibles and show no skin. When in NY and LA, we will all dress as transvestites but the "chick" doesn't have to do anything because she'll be mistaken for one as well.

Our first band movie will be totally innocuous. If there is any hint at a storyline the screenwriter will be fired. All we have to do is smoke a lot of pot and drink a lot of Jack Daniels and sleep around. As long as the camera captures this, we'll be OK.

Eventually we will all end up in court claiming copyright so we might as well get prepared for that now. Since I have the biggest ego I'll be the one to claim none of you had anything to do with the success of the band. Agreed? OK. Good.

It's absolutely imperative that the brown M&M's be removed from the candy dishes in our dressing rooms and where ever we go the purple couch goes with us.

Girlfriends of the band members must only be skinny models. The "chick" can only have sex with famous politicians and claim she was taken advantage of. It would help if she had her own personal chainsaw and snarled a lot as well. We need attitude, people. Lot's and lot's of attitude.

Everyone must drink beer along with coca cola, especially on tour. Anyone seen with a coke in one hand and a famous beer in the other, especially when there are photographers around, will be rewarded with more drugs.

Under no circumstances must anyone in the band ever claim we "sold out." Any accusations of selling out must be completely denyed. Always blame management or the label. Tell reporters we're in this for art.

OK, looks like I've covered just about everything. Now, who wants to play what instrument?

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